Halfway!

I was really hoping to get this posted several days ago, but please forgive me for not feeling up to blogging. Last Friday I had chemo #3, which means I am now halfway through this portion of treatment! This one honestly hit me a little harder than the others, but things seem to be on the upswing now.

During the first two treatments I had several hours before I started to feel anything resembling nausea. This time I had about 5 minutes before I needed to take my Compazine! Between taking the medication and eating some dinner it did resolve, but I was nervous for a while. I had a similar episode on Sunday where I really thought I was going to be sick, but luckily that passed as well.

Speaking of the Compazine, I have to say that I hate, hate, hate taking it. It works really well for the nausea, but for the 3 days that I take it my mind feels very cloudy and I get this terrible anxiety. If I am standing all I want to do is sit down, but when I sit and relax all I want to do is be up and moving. Time goes by incredibly slowly, so much so that I literally count down in minutes until I can go to sleep or take a nap. There is a different nausea medication called Zofran that I can start taking 72 hours after chemo and that doesn't give me those side effects, but if I take it too soon I could get a massive headache.

On the subject of naps, they are definitely my friend! The past few weeks I have been experiencing more fatigue and I'm usually pretty exhausted by the end of the day. Since I'm still working full time getting a nap in during the day is out of the question, but this weekend I made up for it by taking two naps. Each day. That's right, I now have a morning nap and an afternoon nap routine. And by Monday night I was still falling asleep on the couch by 8:15!

Tuesday I felt the usual "got hit by a truck" feeling all day. It continues to be my absolute worst day of each treatment cycle. Working on this day is difficult, but luckily not so much so that I have to stay home (I think I really might go crazy if that happens). I had my Neulasta injection yesterday instead of Monday, and I think I might start doing that for the remainder of the treatments. The achiness set in last night and this morning but I no longer even need to take Tylenol to manage it. The thrush and mouth sores once again came like clockwork and the terrible appetite is back as well. The only new, bothersome symptom is numbness in my hands and feet. This happened a few times last week but now seems to be coming and going fairly regularly. I can't complain too much just yet, but it certainly does get annoying. Unfortunately this is one side effect that could linger for quite a while once I stop treatment (potentially a few years even).

There are times when I get ecstatic thinking that I am halfway done, but there are times when the thought of having to go through three more full cycles is really daunting (especially the days where I am feeling like crap). I know that overall I really don't have too much to complain about since I am doing so much better than I ever expected. It seems like such a simple thing, but I have really learned to appreciate the days when I can actually say "I feel good today".

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer" ~Albert Camus

2012 Race for The Cure

Hello everyone!

I am very happy to say that last week went just as predicted. I had all of the same symptoms from cycle 1, but most of them were much easier to tolerate this time around. I think partly because I knew what to expect, and partly because I was able to pre-medicate myself earlier than last time. By Thursday I was honestly feeling pretty normal again. The one symptom that has now surfaced is what most people call "chemo brain". To put it mildly, my short term memory seems to be fried! If I have a thought that I don't write down or put in my phone right away, I won't remember it in 5 minutes. Derek and I both agree that if this is the worst of my side effects so far then I certainly can't complain, but it does get frustrating at times. The fatigue has seemed to start since my last post as well. It is not all-consuming, can't get out of bed in the morning fatigue, but I seem to be getting tired much easier than ever before. There are times when it is worse than others, but so far still very manageable with naps.

Derek and I did the Race for the Cure at the Mall of America today and it was a fantastic experience. We walked with some of his fabulous marketing co-workers and had perfect weather. I put pictures at the end. I started the race with a bright pink wig but it got uncomfortable and was giving me a headache so I switched over to a white hat half way through the race. It was simply amazing to see so many people come together for a common cause, and also to realize that so many people have been affected by this terrible disease in one way or another. Seeing so many women who have been survivors for a long time definitely gives me hope, but seeing so many people walking in honor of loved ones who have died from the disease also keeps me grounded. It just pushes me even harder to live the rest of my life as healthy as I possibly can and makes me so thankful that I have a job that allows me to help encourage others to do the same. After the walk we made our way to the survivor's celebration in the central rotunda. This was truly the most amazing part of the experience for me. Part of me felt like I didn't belong; that I couldn't possibly be considered a breast cancer survivor at only 29 years old. Another part of me felt so empowered standing amongst a special group of women who can truly understand what I am going through right now. Despite my best efforts to control them, tears were definitely shed.

"Promise me you'll always remember...you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know"  ~ Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Chemo Round 2

Sorry that I haven't posted anything for the past few weeks. The good news is that the lack of posting on my part is actually a VERY good thing. I am so happy to say that after having a rough first week after chemo round one things continued to get better and better. I really felt absolutely fantastic for the last two weeks of the cycle!

The only new (yet expected) symptom I developed since my last post was the actual loss of my hair. On day 17, like clockwork, my hair started falling out. It happens mostly in the shower and has been a surprisingly slow process. I still have some stray hairs on my head, but I would say 75% of them are now gone. My eyebrows and lashes are very slowly falling out as well, but fortunately at a much slower pace. I am really glad to have that part (mostly) done and overwith, as now I can just focus on counting down the days until my final treatment (81 if anyone else is counting)!

I have my labs checked right before each treatment and so far they are all still ok. My white blood cells were looking excellent (thanks to that really expensive Neulasta injection). My red blood cells are officially low (but not by much). My hemoglobin is on the low end of normal and my platelets have come back up into the normal range.

So far round 2 has been following the exact same pattern as round 1. I had no nausea over the weekend, and started to have some lower body achiness and fatigue today. I was a little nervous that round one was really just a fluke and that I would get really sick this time, but I am really thankful that it wasn't! Knowing that my symptoms will follow a pattern has actually made things much easier for me to handle for physically and emotionally this time. I am able to be much more proactive in terms of symptom control, and I know that I can handle a few rough days if it means I get another two good weeks. The fatigue will most likely start to worsen soon which has me a little nervous, but as long as it comes without the aches and pains I think I can manage to push through it. I also have to start watching my nails for black spots and signs of them falling off (oh yippee).

Thank you all so much for the kind birthday wishes last week. Getting chemo was certainly not how I would have liked to spend my day, but Derek and I tried to make the best of it. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make if it means I get to be around for many more birthdays, and we plan to celebrate a little extra next year in Italy for my 30th birthday!

This weekend Derek and I will be participating in the 20th Annual Susan G Komen Race for the Cure at the Mall of America. I have participated in a few Komen events over the past several years, but needless to say this one will be the most emotional. If you don't have any plans and want to participate you can still sign up, or if you are interested in making a donation you can as well. I will post pictures next week!

Susan G Komen Race for the Cure

Who Needs Hair Anyway?

Well yesterday was the second day I had been dreading for the past 8 weeks (the first was starting treatment).

Yesterday I regained what little control I have in this whole situation.

Yesterday I lost my hair.

Had I waited to lose my hair naturally I would have been waiting for another 9 days. It would have started to fall out in large clumps. I would wake up with piles of hair lying on the pillow.

I decided to say a big "screw you" to chemo and shave my head before that could happen.

I have had this planned for a while so I asked my best friend to come into town and go wig shopping with me. I tried on so many that they started to blend together by the end. I did decide to get two (both similar styles and colors). I will be wearing a wig until my hair grows back long enough to create some sort of pixie cut (like Michelle Williams) so having two will be nice. I was able to bring one home but had to have the other one ordered in a darker color.

I was initially planning to have my head shaved in a salon, but as the time got closer I decided that I really wanted to do it at home. I knew that I would most likely cry, and I felt more comfortable crying in front of Derek and friends. We turned it into a small party; we had four friends here and through the wonders of technology our good friends in South Carolina were able to join us as well.

Even though it was upsetting and I cried throughout most of it...I wouldn't change a thing about how it happened. I was surrounded by people that I love and was glad to be able to share such a big part of my journey with them. They also helped keep my spirits up afterward as well!

The party didn't stop with my shaved head, since Derek decided to have his shaved as well! Once he was done my friend Adam joined us too. Pictures are at the bottom!

As an update from my last post, I am very happy to say that I have been feeling great for the past several days! All of my digestive issues have resolved, my weight is back to pre-treatment range, and I really don't have any fatigue. I was able to walk 2 miles this morning and another 2 this afternoon. My thrush has mostly resolved. I still have mouth sores so eating gets uncomfortable, but still very manageable. I had another blood count on Friday and while all of the counts are lower, they are all still within normal limits with the exception of my platelets. Tomorrow is supposed to be the day my counts are the lowest, so I am really hoping that I will continue to feel good for the next week and a half.

"You've only got three choices in life: give up, give in, or give it all you've got." - Unknown

A new day, a new side effect

Well I definitely dodged a bullet with the nausea and vomiting, but I seem to have developed almost every other side effect since my last post!

On Monday afternoon I went back to the clinic for my Neulasta injection. This is a very expensive medication (thank you insurance company for covering it at 100%) that will help keep my white blood cell count up. Not everyone needs to get this after each chemo cycle, but since I am continuing to work through treatment (and since I work in healthcare) my oncologist wants me to get it each time. The medication works by stimulating the bone marrow to produce more white cells, so one of the main side effects is bone and joint pain. It started for me right away on Monday night, but Tuesday morning it felt like I was hit by a truck. I was incredibly achy and fatigued (which I thought was chemo fatigue starting but it was just another side effect of the injection). Work on Tuesday morning was quite tough, but by the afternoon things started to get better. We have already adjusted my schedule slightly for the day after each injection for the remainder of my treatments.

*Warning...the following might be TMI for some people, but I promised I was going to be honest*

One side effect I was expecting was constipation related to all of the anti-nausea medications I was taking last weekend. I have actually developed the very opposite and have had diarrhea since Monday. I knew this was a potential side effect as well, but had no idea that the Taxotere would literally destroy my GI system. I had a very scary episode yesterday morning when my stool was black and tarry (a sign of bleeding higher up in the gastrointestinal tract). Since I was at work when it happened I did a hemoccult test on myself (a test that checks for blood in the stool) and it came back positive. I called my oncologist and they told me to start taking Immodium and have my blood count drawn at my clinic and faxed to them. Luckily I only had two episodes and it seems to have resolved now (the bleeding, not the diarrhea). Overall my blood counts are not too bad, but my platelets have already dropped to below normal limits.

Along with the diarrhea I have developed terrible stomach cramps. These seem to be the worst in the late afternoon and early evening, and also sometimes in the middle of the night. Today I developed thrush (a fungal infection in the mouth) and also some mouth sores. All of this combined with the fact that no food sounds appetizing has created a 3 1/2 pound weight loss since Monday (I have lost a total of 12 pounds since my diagnosis). I have really been trying hard to follow a very healthy, low fat diet since my diagnosis but right now that has all gone out the window. Eating is very difficult but I am forcing myself to do it, and trying to eat foods that are higher in calories and protein. I have started to "drink" more of my meals by making a smoothie with frozen bananas, greek yogurt, peanut butter, almond milk and ground flaxseed.

These past few days have been very difficult both physically and emotionally. I am trying to take advantage of any moments when I actually feel "good". I have a follow-up appointment and labs again tomorrow afternoon which I am looking forward to. The fatigue from the Neulasta has worn off and the true chemo fatigue hasn't hit me yet, but I have a feeling it will start soon. The only other side effects I have developed are dry skin (especially my hands) and acne, but that one is actually related to my IUD.

This weekend promises to be emotional again, as I am planning to pick out a wig and shave my head (pictures to come next week). I have certainly had my share of pity parties in the past few days, but I am trying to just take things minute by minute and hour by hour. I just have to keep hoping that along with the healthy cells dying there are cancer cells dying as well.

"The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it." - C. C. Scott

So far so good?

Chemo treatment #1: Check!

Friday morning was emotionally very difficult for me, but I was fortunate to be busy at work so my mind was mostly occupied. Derek brought me to the appointment and waited with me in the waiting room. Dr. Hartung's nurse called me back to check my vitals, and I thought I was going to lose it. Even once my doctor came in, I was still fighting back the tears. She went over all of my nausea medications with me and reviewed the side effects of the chemo treatment again. She really is wonderful and made me feel more at ease before treatment started. She walked me back to the chemo room and then it was go time.

I had a fabulous nurse for my first session. She made a me a little nervous about the port, however. Apparently it works the best if you put a big white blob of numbing cream over the port and secure it with a piece of Glad Press N Seal for an hour. Sometimes when you just rub it in your skin (like I did) it doesn't have the same effect. When she poked through the skin it really just felt like a shot or any other blood draw, so I think I will skip the Press N Seal  for now (not sure how I would explain that one to my last few patients of the day).

Once I was hooked up and running they started all of my anti-nausea medications (Dexamethasone, Aloxi and Emend). These took 30 minutes and during this time they had me watch an educational video about what side effects to expect from treatment and how best to manage them. Once those were in it was time for the Taxotere (1 hour), then the Carboplatin (1 hour), then the Herceptin (90 minutes). The initial Herceptin takes the longest, but from now on it only takes 30 minutes. My nurse learned early on what Derek has known for years...I have a bladder the size of a pea! I am making sure to drink almost 3 liters of water daily, so adding IV infusions to that means that I averaged a bathroom trip at least once an hour.

During the infusions I honestly felt fine both physically and emotionally. It feels good to have this process started, knowing that I can now be counting down to the final treatment. Derek sat with me for the last 20 minutes of the infusion (and handled it like a trooper!). I felt completely fine when we left, so we stopped to pick up some prescriptions, grabbed some Chinese takeout for dinner and even did some grocery shopping. 

About 4 hours after leaving I started to feel a little queasy. I'm not even so sure that I would go as far to call it nausea, but my stomach felt a little unsettled. I was tired anyway so I took Ativan (a medication to help me sleep and help with nausea) and went to bed. I slept straight through until 4am (I can't remember the last time that happened) but did wake up feeling a little unsettled again. An empty stomach can make nausea worse, so I took some Compazine (another prescription for nausea) and had some breakfast. 

Honestly...that is how this entire weekend has gone. No vomiting. No hovering near the toilet. Just me diligently taking my medications and snacking on something every few hours. I was going into this weekend expecting the worst so that I would be happy with anything better than that, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would feel so...normal! I have had a few episodes of uncomfortable stomach cramping, but so far that's it! I have been taking advantage of this weekend and using my time to get some things done around the house and I ran some errands yesterday. I am a little nervous about the fatigue that it supposed to come later in the week, but I am hoping this weekend is a sign of things to come. I go back tomorrow for an injection of Neulasta (to help boost up my white blood cell count) and again on Friday afternoon for labs and to meet with their NP. This visit will mainly be to let them know how I did these weekend and see if they need to make any adjustments to my nausea medications (nope, keep them coming please)!

Thank you so much to everyone for your words of encouragement for the past several days. I really can't tell you enough how much they all mean to me. I'll post another update later in the week!

Aimee :)

Pre-chemo Ramblings

Less than 24 hours until chemo round 1.

First I'll recap what's happened since my last post. Last Friday I had another fill with my plastic surgeon. I had some soreness over the weekend but it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. Derek and I went home for the first time since my surgery, and probably the last time for a while (we plan to be home-bound for most of the summer). It was really great to see our families again and spend some time with everyone before chemo starts.

I had my IUD inserted on Monday afternoon. I will be the first to admit that I am a baby. I have little tolerance for pain. Let's just say I was glad it only took a few minutes.

My echocardiogram was Tuesday morning. This was probably the easiest procedure I've had since the beginning because all I had to do was lay there. I haven't actually heard about my results yet, but I imagine they would have let me know if my heart wasn't working well enough to start treatment tomorrow.

I wanted to show you all a picture of my port. This is how I will receive all of the infusions I need in the next year and will save my right arm from being ravaged every three weeks. I have a numbing cream to apply an hour before each treatment so that the needlestick won't hurt as much (this is standard...not just me being a baby). This was placed during surgery and I don't feel it at all. Most of the time I forget it's even there.

Derek is dropping me off and picking me up from treatment tomorrow, but this is something that I feel I need to do by myself, at least for the first time. I have magazines to catch up on and over a dozen books on my Nook to get through, so I certainly won't be bored. I also created a chemo playlist to listen to. No sad songs allowed, only songs that make me feel empowered and/or feel like dancing!

This week has by far been the hardest and most emotional since the initial diagnosis. I seem to cry at anything and everything. I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I feel mad. I feel sad. I feel terrified. I feel betrayed by my body. At the same time I feel lucky. Lucky that I found the tumor early. Lucky that I am stage 1. Lucky that with the help of modern medicine I have a better prognosis than I would have even 10 years ago. Lucky that I am alive.

Today I started taking the steroids that I have to take the day before, day of and day after each treatment to help with nausea and also to prevent fluid from building up in my lungs. Taking those made it officially real for me, and made the rest of the day particularly hard. After work I just couldn't seem to pull myself together, so I decided to go for a long walk. Once I started out I decided I really felt like a run, so that's exactly what I did. It was slower than I would like since these tissue expanders are like two hard rocks on my chest and didn't take well to a faster pace. I didn't care though. I was running. I was listening to my favorite running songs. It was EXACTLY what I needed tonight. Now I don't feel so sad. I don't feel so scared. I feel empowered. I feel strong.

Chemo may knock me down for a while, but I won't let it knock me out.