Fear and Frustration

As I write this post I have a lot of different emotions and thoughts running through my head.

Right now I should be thrilled that my last round of chemo is only a few days away, but that joy is currently being overshadowed with fear and frustration.

If you read my last post you know that my second echocardiogram showed a growing pericardial effusion that I needed to meet with a cardiologist to discuss. Well I had that appointment on Friday afternoon. He said that the fluid is most likely caused by inflammation, but there is a small chance that it could be related to a spread of the cancer. He wants to be sure, so he recommended that I have a pericardiocentesis. This is a procedure done in the cath lab under conscious sedation. A needle will be inserted into the sac surrounding my heart and the fluid will be drained and sent to the lab for analysis. It is scheduled for Wednesday morning.

I won't lie, I am very nervous about the procedure. I'm also incredibly nervous about the results. I know the odds are that it is not related to a spread of the cancer, but that doesn't always mean much to me anymore since the odds were that my breast lump wasn't cancer either. I guess I just wasn't expecting to have to worry about something like this so soon. I will definitely keep you all posted.

Since my last treatment I have overall been doing ok. Last Thursday I went in to be evaluated for a blood clot. I developed an area on the back of my calf that was painful, red, and warm. Those are all symptoms of a clot, but fortunately it ended up being cellulitis (an infection of the skin). I have been on an antibiotic and the symptoms have been resolving. I have also developed an infected fingernail for which the antibiotic seems to be helping as well.

I am still trying to stay hopeful and positive about everything, but lately it has been more difficult. I am really just frustrated with being a patient. I have had at least one appointment for something every single week since the end of February. Prior to this I have always been pretty healthy, so the past 5 months have been quite a change.

I am just really ready to be done.