Pre-chemo Ramblings

Less than 24 hours until chemo round 1.

First I'll recap what's happened since my last post. Last Friday I had another fill with my plastic surgeon. I had some soreness over the weekend but it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. Derek and I went home for the first time since my surgery, and probably the last time for a while (we plan to be home-bound for most of the summer). It was really great to see our families again and spend some time with everyone before chemo starts.

I had my IUD inserted on Monday afternoon. I will be the first to admit that I am a baby. I have little tolerance for pain. Let's just say I was glad it only took a few minutes.

My echocardiogram was Tuesday morning. This was probably the easiest procedure I've had since the beginning because all I had to do was lay there. I haven't actually heard about my results yet, but I imagine they would have let me know if my heart wasn't working well enough to start treatment tomorrow.

I wanted to show you all a picture of my port. This is how I will receive all of the infusions I need in the next year and will save my right arm from being ravaged every three weeks. I have a numbing cream to apply an hour before each treatment so that the needlestick won't hurt as much (this is standard...not just me being a baby). This was placed during surgery and I don't feel it at all. Most of the time I forget it's even there.

Derek is dropping me off and picking me up from treatment tomorrow, but this is something that I feel I need to do by myself, at least for the first time. I have magazines to catch up on and over a dozen books on my Nook to get through, so I certainly won't be bored. I also created a chemo playlist to listen to. No sad songs allowed, only songs that make me feel empowered and/or feel like dancing!

This week has by far been the hardest and most emotional since the initial diagnosis. I seem to cry at anything and everything. I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I feel mad. I feel sad. I feel terrified. I feel betrayed by my body. At the same time I feel lucky. Lucky that I found the tumor early. Lucky that I am stage 1. Lucky that with the help of modern medicine I have a better prognosis than I would have even 10 years ago. Lucky that I am alive.

Today I started taking the steroids that I have to take the day before, day of and day after each treatment to help with nausea and also to prevent fluid from building up in my lungs. Taking those made it officially real for me, and made the rest of the day particularly hard. After work I just couldn't seem to pull myself together, so I decided to go for a long walk. Once I started out I decided I really felt like a run, so that's exactly what I did. It was slower than I would like since these tissue expanders are like two hard rocks on my chest and didn't take well to a faster pace. I didn't care though. I was running. I was listening to my favorite running songs. It was EXACTLY what I needed tonight. Now I don't feel so sad. I don't feel so scared. I feel empowered. I feel strong.

Chemo may knock me down for a while, but I won't let it knock me out.